5 Reasons I Still Stay in College

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My dislike for school started in middle school.

I began refusing to go to school. I asked my father to accompany me to school (usually I went by bus alone) but refused to get down from the car after we arrived. I would lock myself inside my bedroom every morning. I throw tantrum and didn't eat anything for days. I didn't study at all. I let my grade drop because I convinced myself that I didn't care, that it didn't mean anything. I also cried a lot alone.

In high school, while there were still days when I just didn't want to go to school, it was getting better. But I felt that I had lost some parts of myself since middle school. I stopped writing. I stopped enjoying life. I pretended to be okay while other people around probably could feel that I was not.

Now in college, I stopped dreaming. I no longer believe in the future. I, to be honest, am afraid of the future, because I can't see myself there. I can't see myself surviving life. Everything seems pointless. Whether I make it there or not doesn't matter.

Those thoughts are extreme, and I assure you, even though they aren't on my mind 24/7, I have to admit that they stay there 50% of the time.




Last week has been the worst time of my fourth semester so far. I burnt out, my sleeping cycle was ruined, I skipped several classes unannounced (usually at least I tell my classmates if I'm not going to class), and abandoned my exercise routine and journalling habit all together. In the end of the week, I had asked myself: Is this all worth it? Do I really need to suffer through another two years of academic career that I barely care? Is this really what I want to do after spending years and years in school? Do I really need to force myself to get up and go to class every single day? Is the diploma really that important anyway? Why do I need the diploma? Do I need the diploma to have a life that I want? Do I really want to live, at all?

When those negative thoughts seem hard to fight against, I make a list. It's something I write down on my journal, or type out on my phone or laptop. Depending on what thoughts I'm having the biggest battle with, I list all of my reasons to continue living on. My focus last week is the things I don't want to lose about college and reasons why I should at least complete my degree.

This list can change from time to time, but below are five strongest reasons I have for not dropping out of college.

Tatiana Vavrikova

FRIENDS

I don't make friends easily. Most people think that I'm intimidating and hard to approach. Most of the time, that's how I make myself appear to be. I'm both not interested and too anxious--a combination that seems impossible. I don't want people to approach me because I 1) don't know how to handle them, and 2) just want to be alone.

In college though, I find that I able to find friends who are able to understand my need to be alone but also become my source of strength when I find it hard to survive by myself. College students generally understand more about the importance of standing up for your own self, to become yourself--something that I find it hard to find in middle school or high school.

That's why some days, when I have no energy nor motivation to go to class, I think about my friends and how elated I will be to meet and talk to them. Sometimes I don't want to meet them in a big group of people, but there is always at least one person who I know will be able to lift up my mood.

祝 鹤槐

LECTURES

What I mean is the lecture's contents. Even though I dread the time I need to leave my room for class, once I actually sit in and follow along the material, it actually pretty interesting. I am a Japanese major and every day I learn new things about Japanese culture and society.

My lecturers are all unique and they specialize in different aspects of Japanese culture. For example, some are very invested in feminism and patriarchy in Japanese society. Some are really passionate about linguistic and they make difficult Japanese syntax into really mind-blowing discussions, often connecting it to Japanese people's philosophy and history.

I might have been able to find all that interesting informations in books, but it will need a long time to digest everything. Attending a lecture means I can get a grasp on the basic of Japanese society problems in less than three hours.

Emre Can

STUDENT'S PRIVILEGE

Free access to my college library. Student discount. The opportunities to try out different things. The privilege to fail.

When you're a student, you're allowed to fail and make mistakes and change things up. Being in college means you're still on your way through trial and error, and it is forgivable.

You can also meet new people more easily in college, since you're exposed to different opportunities and chances, students from different majors and background.

College might be hard, but real life is harder still. Part of my reason not to drop out from college is mainly because I'm afraid I won't be able to survive the society once I let go of my student status.

Daria Obymaha

PARENTS

I'm sure my parents were real worried when I suffered through school refusal symptoms during middle school and high school. They probably didn't understand why I acted the way I acted back then and what they should do about it. Even now, they might still don't understand it and I can't blame them.

But I'm twenty now, a bit more mature than before, and I have known a bit more about my anxiety and depression. I routinely go for therapy and I know now that there is something I can do to help myself. Sure, I still need a support system, and while what my parents have been doing for me isn't perfect, they do what they think they're supposed to do. They try to support me as best as they could and I'm grateful for that. They let me find my own way and continue to support my decisions even though they have their own doubts about it.

If I drop out of college now, without any plan to live my life, they probably will feel much more lost than I would be. Being worried for me, they might advise me to do something I'm not supposed to do. They have done their best to take care of me and they still do, but now that I'm twenty, a legal adult, I have a responsibility to take care of myself too.

This brings me to the next point.

Maria Tyutina

NO PLAN

Say I'm dropping out of college.

Now what I'm gonna do?

If I couldn't answer that question, I don't want to take the risk to jump into the unknown and lose everything I've worked so far. The truth is, I choose my own major and the university I'm currently in. It's a part of my future plan. No one forces me to do it.

I have school refusal anxiety, but that doesn't mean I hate school or don't think that education is important. Quite the opposite actually--I believe that school is so important that I feel anxious about being and doing the best I could. I always feel like I'm never enough, that what I've been working for years is inadequate.

I tend to think that not getting A+ means I don't work hard enough. That if I don't spend all day studying and working on assignments mean I'm not a good kid. That if I don't become the highest scorer or the first in my class I can't make my parents happy.

I think I hate school. I convince myself I don't care the slightest about school. The truth is I care so much that I become afraid of the possibility of failing school.

The thing I need to remember is that my achievement in school doesn't define me. A single success or a single failure doesn't make me the best and the worst person in the world.

I'm just me.

Sometimes I'm motivated to get that A+ score and extra points and being really diligent. Other times I might find it hard to leave my bed and all I want to do is to watch movie and hiding from society. Most of the times, I'm just a regular person who has to go to college in the morning and come home to finish house chores and class assignments in the afternoon. I have a blog I work on at least twice a week, friends I meet almost everyday, and family I call almost every week (when I wrote this I just realized I'm three hours past the time I usually call my parents on weekends).

I'm just me. Of course I lack so many things and I can always strive to be a better person. But in order to do that, I need to accept my flawed self first.

***



So those are five reasons I always keep in my mind whenever I have the thought of dropping out of college. Of course, these reasons are purely my own and I don't have both the wisdom and knowledge to advise someone else whether they should stay or drop out of college. But here I share what makes me stay even though I do have my moments of almost giving up.

My only advise for those who might struggle through the same thing with me, think about what you can do and can't do outside of college, and of course what you yourself want to do. Don't let fear stop you, because that's what I'm worried the most at the present moment.

Stay strong and believe in the future, believe in yourself.

Comments

  1. You think way ahead of me. I didn't think about life so much at school, but obviously I got problems once I am 'released' to the 'real world'. Refusing to go to work, etc. What do you think about blogging as a way to keep you stay at college?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I struggled a lot during middle school and high school because I worried about things that hadn't even happened yet though. Now I try as much as possible to stay focused and live in the present moment. I think that the most important thing is to truly enjoy the life and choose what you really want to choose. Balance is very important. You have to know what you love and treasure in life, but also aren't afraid to step outside the comfort zone to help you grow.

      Blogging, in a way, is not only my reason to stay at college, but also a reason for me to keep surviving life. It has gotten me through difficult times and I'm really grateful for this hobby.

      Delete
  2. Also, I like your new blog layout

    ReplyDelete

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